Wide Open

This will be a stream of thoughts, more honest than I normally would be, and more open than I ever would get. Yes, call your uncle and tell him to tune in too.

I've lived tentatively for too long. I've lived in a way that hopefully makes me an amiable person to everyone else around me; though it has left me forgettable. I've taken small steps to ensure my confidence in where my next one will go; to ensure that my next one will be safe. I've lived bottled up because I'm too afraid to let myself out, and then not be understood. This, truly, is one of my greatest fears; not being understood.

I often say that I am not complicated, that I'm easy to figure out. I almost started to believe it too. I'm not easy to get, I'm not simple to understand, I'm not grasped by many, and this is a truth that has been hard for me accept, so much so that I have tried to convince myself and those that know me, that I am simple in nature, but complex in it's execution. This has created a deep rooted fear in me that I will share my innermost thoughts and feelings and self, and that it will fall on deaf ears, or dull minds, and be misunderstood for who I really am. I know me, I know myself very well because I spend so much damn time looking inward in introspection. I've spent so much damn time refining my character to make myself someone I would like, and I have succeeded tremendously on so many occasions. Like I said, I've taken so many steps to make myself amiable to those around me, well liked, respected and loved, and it has left me in a point in my life where I feel forgettable.

It's time to stop being so safe. It's time to stop being so hidden. Everything I say I analyze in 10 different ways before I even open my mouth. I'm not exaggerating. Before I even speak a word, even in a seemingly meaningless situation, I will do this:

How should I pronounce my words to get the desired expression and emotion to this person?
How are they going to accept it? Knowing what I know about them, how are they going to take this?
How can I phrase it so they take it like I want them to? How can I phrase it so they understand what I'm trying to say and what I mean?
Will this get to other people? If so, who might it get to? What will they think and how will they interpret my words? What will I have to answer if questions come up, and will I be able to answer them?
How should my body language be when I say this? What should my eyes be like? And my mouth, smile, frown, or something else?

Do you think of all these things before you open your damn mouth? I hope not, because it would take most people about 5 minutes to come up with all those answers. Actually that might be a good thing, there would be a lot less stupidity coming out of people's mouths if that were the case.

It's time for me to arrive. It's time for me to step out. (no closet jokes, i'm not gay, i LOVE women) I have a piece of paper tacked onto a piece of wood that is sort of above my bed. I wrote it a few years ago during a snatch of inspiration. To paraphrase, it talks about how I am a unique person with so much I can do, and the only thing holding me back is myself and my fears and laziness which arises from them. I should live my day with integrity, and honesty, and boldness. I should live this day that I have in front of me. It's inspiring, and I haven't read it in a long time though it sits above my bed along with a couple quotes below it.

I have lived too much in tomorrow and yesterday. I have lived too much in the hypotheticals, and what ifs, and maybes. I have died too much in fear, and lost too much to caution. Not anymore. Not anymore. From here on out, it's wide open...