Checkup Time!

I'm drinking a bottle of green tea with honey. It's delicious, and low in calories. I'm looking at the bottle to my right, and I see this on the label:

BEST TASTE Drink by date on bottle.

So I spin this glass bottle around, looking for the magical Drink By date that will tell me when my drink has peaked and is optimal for consumption. I soon turn to small black letters printed on the side of the bottle. Among the random letters and numbers of a corporate system, there is a date, the hallowed date!

Feb 0606

All I have to do is put this bottle of sublime fluid in the fridge for another 5 1/2 months. Then, and ONLY then, will it be primed and ready. But I'm thirsty, and am left drinking a less than adequately aged drink, cut down before it's prime. Woe is The D. Woe is me.

I went to the doctor this morning to get a physical before I move at the end of the month. My insurance still covers me and I don't feel like taking a loan out for a doctor visit, so I said what the hell, and went. There are two words that can make a routine doctors appointment fun and interesting:

Med Student.

Oh yes, the med student. Fresh from classes and eager to experience the medical world, the med student is bright eyed and vibrant; unscathed and innocent in the world of medical practice. Quick to follow the rules, and be professional, he did my checkup.

He continues the series of routine exams (blood pressure, reflexes, etc.) with the ear exam. Taking out his lighted tool, he sticks it in my ear and examines stuff. (I'm not a doctor, so you get "stuff" for a description.) I proceed to ask him a question that has boggled my mind.

"Why do we have ear wax?"

A seemingly simple question baffled our dear med student. (First time I was at the doctor's office, there was a med student, and I asked him the same question. He didn't know either.) He actually stopped examining my ears and thought for a second, like it was a test or something.

"I really don't know."

Ahh the smell of humbled defeat.

After the routine examinations, he pulled out the sheet of questions, asking the normal things like family history, allergies, sexual preference, you know, the norm. Yes, they actually ask you your sexual preference, to which I said, "I like the ladies."

Just a warning here, there are a couple "sexual" questions coming up, although not too detailed. There's also a reference to testicles. Go away if you don't want to read that.

So during our question and answer period, he asked how I would rate my sexual something. I forgot exactly what it was, and I'm kicking myself for it, but it was an odd question that I didn't know how to answer. I looked at him weird, confused-like.

"Do you mean I should rate myself?"

He started thinking how to better explain the question.

"No, it's not that, it's asking for you to rate your sexual _____" he repeated.

"I still don't get it. I mean, it works, it works well, but what am I rating."

He begins thinking again.

"I'm not really sure," he admitted.

"Is it a scale from 1-10?" I don't know why I asked, it made no difference.

"Well, can you get an erection?" He asked me that, I didn't ask him, cause that would have been weird and pretty awkward.

"Oh yeah, sure. Easier than I want to actually."

He started laughing.

"Just give me a perfect 10, it's workin great." I said.

He then asked me if I had trouble holding my urine.

"No, but I don't often pee in my hand."

He put his head down and started laughing.

Ahh med students, they're so fun.

Then he tried to tell me how to check for testicular cancer. He holds up his hand as if to grab something mid air, and says:

"Well, you take your hand, and you feel one of your..."

He stopped and thought some more. I guess he was trying to find the right word.

"Balls?" I asked.

"Well, yeah, one of your testes, and..."

I didn't hear the rest of what he said cause I started laughing, cause I'm seven years old.