A portrait of a piece of me.

For most of the day, I wasn't planning on writing anything, because I just have so much on my mind and there's some of it that I can't really write here anyway. I was going to leave you to my gum story and then come back tomorrow with something else. Today has been a surreal day, one of confusion, slight betrayal, and extreme seclusion. I'm not going to get into any details, I'm just going to be really vague. If these feelings were all internal because of myself, I would be ok with explaining them and their reasons. They are not, and so I can't.

My feelings of betrayal have only come in the past half an hour. They may not even be feelings of betrayal, but that's the best way I know how to describe them right now. I feel like a certain person doesn't really value me anymore, and it makes me question my value from before. I had value as long as I was in contact, but if I ever stopped contacting this person, I go out the window. It feels as if I wasn't good enough to contact in the first place. I feel taken advantage of, with the time, care and concern I gave this person. In a way I'm not all that surprised. Part of me feared that what happened has indeed happened, and most of me knew that it would probably go this way. Doesn't mean it hurts less. Doesn't mean I deserved it. I guess it just doesn't really mean much anymore anyway. I'm too focused on helping people out, being someone that pulls them up when they are down; being that person they lean on to make it through a trial or hard time. Who then do I lean upon in my time of desperation?

In a way, I have pigeon holed myself into a certain role and through my strength, mentioned just a second ago (helping people and being there for them to lean on), have painted a somewhat unfamiliar portrait of a person that isn't always me. I never have asked for shelter during stormy times; never a rest from tribulations. Even in my hardest of times I have had people come to me crying, wanting to just get through whatever it is they are going through, and I set my needs aside to care for them. I now have painted a picture of a man who is strong, strong willed, unwavering in hardships, and caring beyond any selfishness. It is not a fair picture, for me or for anyone else. It is true, I would put aside my cares to help someone out at the drop of a tear. I have never gotten the hang of this selfish thing, and unfortunately it has been taken advantage of at times, and has left me with endless self exploration.

Unfortunately I can't keep that image up at all times, it's impossible with my life and who I am. I do break down. I do cry sometimes. I do wonder what the hell I'm doing and why I even need to be alive. I've tumbled down valleys that sunlight didn't dare tread in. I've climbed high enough to sip from the nectar of heaven, and I've experienced everything inbetween. And because I do not share some of these things, and do not ask for help, or a shoulder to lean on, many people who know me have only a picture of a man that is in me; but is not my whole make up.

My seclusion comes from this, because I am the only one who truly knows myself. No matter how close other people get to me, it would take them years to know me like I know myself. I would never make the mistake of calling myself simple, or common, or easy to understand. I would never make the mistake of calling myself perfect, or anywhere near that threshold. Just like my song said:

Try and try again,
though perfection's out of reach.

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But there are many times,
I tried to push from mind.
Too many wrongs to right,
within a sinned and tattered life.


Perhaps I would look better from the outside than I do from here. What am I thinking. I like being me, and I like who I am. Mistakes have helped bring me to where I am now, and helped me become who I am; without them I would be incomplete, just like that portrait of a piece of me.