My own worst enemy

I had so many plans for this past weekend. I had my blogs laid out until Sunday with what I wanted to write and such. I had a song that I was already working on that I was planning on nearly finishing, if not completely, by Sunday. I'm supposed to sing it at my church two weeks from yesterday.

I woke up today, with no new blogs, and a song that has the introduction complete. *sigh* My heart isn't into anything right now and I'm desperately trying to figure out why and where it went. I say that I'm my own worst enemy because often times I am, and the pressure I put on myself is excessive and destructive at times. I demand the best of myself, and too often, I don't have the energy to give my best, and then I wake up on Monday with nothing finished.

When I sing that song a couple weeks from now, I want the music and words to touch people's hearts and souls in an even semi-profound way. That's why I write anyway. I try to make a difference in someone's life, or make troubles they are going through feel easier to bear. Anything less to me is a failure. Yes I would be happy if I enjoyed the song, and that's good as well, but if it's purpose was left unfulfilled, then to me it's a failure.

I try my best to write eloquently, thoughtfully (most of the time), and try to get all of you to think more, whether it's just about what I've written that day or whether it's about something in your own life you can relate it to. The purpose of this blog was to have people pose questions and ponderings, and then explore routes to a possible answer. My purpose wasn't to give you an answer, just to look for one with you. That's what I wanted from this blog, I wanted it to be able to affect people.

Why do I put so much pressure on myself? And why is it that I don't try hard at work at all, but pile on expectations with my own projects? That's easy, just spend a day with my boss and you'll understand. But these expectations and their lofty goals sometimes look too high to grasp, and I don't take failure well. Do I only go for the best? Do I not try on things that I don't have a good chance at being best in? If I know I can't win or be the best, do I even bother? Scary to think it might have some truth to it.

My competitive and perfectionist nature often pushes me to be better and drives that ambition in me. It did for years with sports in highschool and certain classes. It did in a few of my jobs, and it reared its ugly head within my writing. But with my writing, why would I ever put out a piece that I think I can do better on? How is that fair to everyone hearing/reading it if it's not my best work; not the best I can do.

Well what if I just don't keep these lofty expectations of myself? What if I ease the grip of the pressure on me? Nope. If I dropped my expectations to anything below what they are now, then I know it's not my best and I'm settling right out of the gate. I know what I am capable of, I know what I can do; sometimes though, my heart is too tired to prove it.