Who knows
Quick update: I've lost 8-9 pounds since the start of my diet just under 2 weeks ago. yay.
If you noticed a certain lack of excitement there, then way to go. I'm very apathetic today. Self-doubt is apparantly my M.O. today, and has been the last couple days to be honest. I don't know how much I'm going to reveal in this, because I've always had hesitance towards spilling my inner feelings and thoughts out into a "public" forum, as public as this really is. A while ago, in this blog, I said:
"I don't ask for help because I don't want to be perceived as weak, and contrary to what you would normally think, it's not an ego thing."
I also said that I didn't want to get into the psycho babble about everything and why I do it, but I think I will now, since I'm self examining and evaluating anyway. Sure, why not, yippee.
The reasons I don't ask for help are many, including that I don't want to be perceived as weak. One particular reason is that I don't want to be selfish. I know, if I'm having trouble or something's really wrong, I should ask for help because friends want to help, but I guess I can't wrap my heart around that quite yet. I have often, both past and present, been someone that a friend will come to, or someone they will confide in, which unfortunately has doomed me to liking several girls that have firmly placed me in the friend-only zone. Knowing that I'm someone people come to, I don't want to ask their help, because then in the future maybe they will think twice about coming to me for a shoulder to lean on, because it might overwhelm me.
I've also been a leader in most situations where that "position" is not already taken. As a leader, you have to be the one people look to and you have to be a strong leader. I'm not saying you have to be this stoic viking guy that never cries and is intimidating and such, I'm just saying you have to be solid. Perhaps I'm deceiving myself and others by putting on that solid sense when sometimes I'm anything but it.
This next reason, however, is the foremost one in protecting my emotions around people. I don't want to be perceived weak because I don't want people looking at me differently and asking me all the time if I'm ok. I don't want to appear as though I can't handle it. I can handle it. Sometimes it's a struggle, and sometimes I feel like Sisyphus, but I can handle it. I don't understand why I hate people asking me if I'm ok or if I need to talk. I've never liked it and half always clamped up when asked these questions, but for all the self-evaluating, inspecting, and deducing, I still am confused as to why I am like this.
The closest I've ever come was this: I have an obsessive need to figure things out on my own or for myself, which is why I'm not a poster boy for college, or school in general come to think of it. School teaches you to look for the "right" answer as fast and as accurate as possible. It doesn't teach you creativity, and in fact usually draws it out of you and puts it to sleep.
"If necessity is the mother of invention, then creativity is its father." I just thought of that. I doubt that many inventions anymore are out of need, but oh well.
Back to the topic! I have that obsessive need to figure things out on my own. When I was very young, 5th grade or so, certain events affected my life like very few others have. I immediately went into my own shell and tried to figure things out, tried to figure out why certain things happened, and why I was feeling this way. It was way too much for a 9 year old to figure out or sort through, or cope with for that matter. But that's how I did things and that's what I did. My mother, Lord knows she tried and bless her for caring so, tried to get me to open up to little avail. She even had me go to a therapist which I'm sure wasn't cheap and during our poor years, I don't know how they pulled it off. I'm getting all misty eyed, thanks guys. The therapist most likely had even less luck with getting me to spill. Eventually, a few years later, I started to figure things out and moved on past certain things while embracing others. (I'm purposely keeping this relatively vague, sorry.) But I think that's why I don't like having people ask me if I'm ok and all that. It makes me feel as though my facade of strength and confidence is see through at times, and I don't like that. It's as though I'm the magician who bought the see-through hat with the black bunny. (That's an allusion to an illusion, just for Melissa. Oh yeah.)
Anyway, every so often I will try explaining my self-exploration and discovery, not necessarily for your entertainment (cause I know it's not entertaining), but to provide a place to set thoughts out and realize who I am and why I do some of the things I do. Who knows, maybe you'll even get to see the proverbial bunny in the clear hat.
(Ugh, I was also going to talk about all the self doubt I've been fighting but this entry is already long enough. Maybe later.)
If you noticed a certain lack of excitement there, then way to go. I'm very apathetic today. Self-doubt is apparantly my M.O. today, and has been the last couple days to be honest. I don't know how much I'm going to reveal in this, because I've always had hesitance towards spilling my inner feelings and thoughts out into a "public" forum, as public as this really is. A while ago, in this blog, I said:
"I don't ask for help because I don't want to be perceived as weak, and contrary to what you would normally think, it's not an ego thing."
I also said that I didn't want to get into the psycho babble about everything and why I do it, but I think I will now, since I'm self examining and evaluating anyway. Sure, why not, yippee.
The reasons I don't ask for help are many, including that I don't want to be perceived as weak. One particular reason is that I don't want to be selfish. I know, if I'm having trouble or something's really wrong, I should ask for help because friends want to help, but I guess I can't wrap my heart around that quite yet. I have often, both past and present, been someone that a friend will come to, or someone they will confide in, which unfortunately has doomed me to liking several girls that have firmly placed me in the friend-only zone. Knowing that I'm someone people come to, I don't want to ask their help, because then in the future maybe they will think twice about coming to me for a shoulder to lean on, because it might overwhelm me.
I've also been a leader in most situations where that "position" is not already taken. As a leader, you have to be the one people look to and you have to be a strong leader. I'm not saying you have to be this stoic viking guy that never cries and is intimidating and such, I'm just saying you have to be solid. Perhaps I'm deceiving myself and others by putting on that solid sense when sometimes I'm anything but it.
This next reason, however, is the foremost one in protecting my emotions around people. I don't want to be perceived weak because I don't want people looking at me differently and asking me all the time if I'm ok. I don't want to appear as though I can't handle it. I can handle it. Sometimes it's a struggle, and sometimes I feel like Sisyphus, but I can handle it. I don't understand why I hate people asking me if I'm ok or if I need to talk. I've never liked it and half always clamped up when asked these questions, but for all the self-evaluating, inspecting, and deducing, I still am confused as to why I am like this.
The closest I've ever come was this: I have an obsessive need to figure things out on my own or for myself, which is why I'm not a poster boy for college, or school in general come to think of it. School teaches you to look for the "right" answer as fast and as accurate as possible. It doesn't teach you creativity, and in fact usually draws it out of you and puts it to sleep.
"If necessity is the mother of invention, then creativity is its father." I just thought of that. I doubt that many inventions anymore are out of need, but oh well.
Back to the topic! I have that obsessive need to figure things out on my own. When I was very young, 5th grade or so, certain events affected my life like very few others have. I immediately went into my own shell and tried to figure things out, tried to figure out why certain things happened, and why I was feeling this way. It was way too much for a 9 year old to figure out or sort through, or cope with for that matter. But that's how I did things and that's what I did. My mother, Lord knows she tried and bless her for caring so, tried to get me to open up to little avail. She even had me go to a therapist which I'm sure wasn't cheap and during our poor years, I don't know how they pulled it off. I'm getting all misty eyed, thanks guys. The therapist most likely had even less luck with getting me to spill. Eventually, a few years later, I started to figure things out and moved on past certain things while embracing others. (I'm purposely keeping this relatively vague, sorry.) But I think that's why I don't like having people ask me if I'm ok and all that. It makes me feel as though my facade of strength and confidence is see through at times, and I don't like that. It's as though I'm the magician who bought the see-through hat with the black bunny. (That's an allusion to an illusion, just for Melissa. Oh yeah.)
Anyway, every so often I will try explaining my self-exploration and discovery, not necessarily for your entertainment (cause I know it's not entertaining), but to provide a place to set thoughts out and realize who I am and why I do some of the things I do. Who knows, maybe you'll even get to see the proverbial bunny in the clear hat.
(Ugh, I was also going to talk about all the self doubt I've been fighting but this entry is already long enough. Maybe later.)
posted by The D at
11:01 AM
4 Comments:
aw you mentioned me! ;)
By
mel, at 4:18 PM
Self-doubt is OK. It can even be good sometimes, because it can lead to positive change. Sometimes it is a result of being out of our comfort zone, which is usually when change is occurring. Just don't let self doubt narrow your focus to negatives and turn into self loathing.
But you're bright and I think you know all this. Just wanted to let you know someone heard and is interested in your journey.
PS...Yes I read the frog story and I loved it. IMO, the humor was so New England and quite witty.
:)
By
Mammy, at 9:26 PM
One of the best parts of knowing someone and caring about them - is when you don't even have to ask. When you just know.
Anyway, as a courtesy to you - I promise to never ask you if you're okay.
By
Thatgirl7278, at 10:01 PM
Possibly one of the most rewarding, yet difficult things in life is opening up yourself to be emotionally vulnerable. Which obviously includes asking for help. This is true even...no...ESPECIALLY as a leader! I liken the freedom to being vulnerable to the freedom that comes with the realization/acknowledgement that I do not have all the answers. None of us were created (or evolved--depending on your theological slant) to be islands among ourselves. Some people never admit this, trying to make it through life without asking for help. If you never ask for help, there will remain a part of who you are whom you may never come to know. Those who can be vulnerable become strong, wise and genuine leaders. On a personal note, those who know you enough to ask you for help will know that you are strong enough and caring enough to put your "needs" aside and lend a helping hand or a listening ear.
By
Matt, at 3:58 PM
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