Wide Open

This will be a stream of thoughts, more honest than I normally would be, and more open than I ever would get. Yes, call your uncle and tell him to tune in too.

I've lived tentatively for too long. I've lived in a way that hopefully makes me an amiable person to everyone else around me; though it has left me forgettable. I've taken small steps to ensure my confidence in where my next one will go; to ensure that my next one will be safe. I've lived bottled up because I'm too afraid to let myself out, and then not be understood. This, truly, is one of my greatest fears; not being understood.

I often say that I am not complicated, that I'm easy to figure out. I almost started to believe it too. I'm not easy to get, I'm not simple to understand, I'm not grasped by many, and this is a truth that has been hard for me accept, so much so that I have tried to convince myself and those that know me, that I am simple in nature, but complex in it's execution. This has created a deep rooted fear in me that I will share my innermost thoughts and feelings and self, and that it will fall on deaf ears, or dull minds, and be misunderstood for who I really am. I know me, I know myself very well because I spend so much damn time looking inward in introspection. I've spent so much damn time refining my character to make myself someone I would like, and I have succeeded tremendously on so many occasions. Like I said, I've taken so many steps to make myself amiable to those around me, well liked, respected and loved, and it has left me in a point in my life where I feel forgettable.

It's time to stop being so safe. It's time to stop being so hidden. Everything I say I analyze in 10 different ways before I even open my mouth. I'm not exaggerating. Before I even speak a word, even in a seemingly meaningless situation, I will do this:

How should I pronounce my words to get the desired expression and emotion to this person?
How are they going to accept it? Knowing what I know about them, how are they going to take this?
How can I phrase it so they take it like I want them to? How can I phrase it so they understand what I'm trying to say and what I mean?
Will this get to other people? If so, who might it get to? What will they think and how will they interpret my words? What will I have to answer if questions come up, and will I be able to answer them?
How should my body language be when I say this? What should my eyes be like? And my mouth, smile, frown, or something else?

Do you think of all these things before you open your damn mouth? I hope not, because it would take most people about 5 minutes to come up with all those answers. Actually that might be a good thing, there would be a lot less stupidity coming out of people's mouths if that were the case.

It's time for me to arrive. It's time for me to step out. (no closet jokes, i'm not gay, i LOVE women) I have a piece of paper tacked onto a piece of wood that is sort of above my bed. I wrote it a few years ago during a snatch of inspiration. To paraphrase, it talks about how I am a unique person with so much I can do, and the only thing holding me back is myself and my fears and laziness which arises from them. I should live my day with integrity, and honesty, and boldness. I should live this day that I have in front of me. It's inspiring, and I haven't read it in a long time though it sits above my bed along with a couple quotes below it.

I have lived too much in tomorrow and yesterday. I have lived too much in the hypotheticals, and what ifs, and maybes. I have died too much in fear, and lost too much to caution. Not anymore. Not anymore. From here on out, it's wide open...

A Little Bit Of Both

Life sometimes can be oddly ironic. Other times, it's just odd. During the past few weeks, I've met several new people through avenues that have opened up to me and opportunities I have taken advantage of. These people are new to me, and I to them. Several times from these new people, I've heard my abilities and good qualities listed. I'll spare you the boredom of listing the ones I heard, and I'll spare myself a certain embarassment as well.

Here's what makes this odd. Besides the fact that I had more than a couple people rattle off a list of things, it made people, well, "attracted" to me. I'm not speaking in terms of girl attracted to guy, although there was that as well, I'm just speaking of attraction in terms of people wanting to be around you, wanting to spend time with you and that kind of attraction. I guess it's not all that odd. I guess it makes a little sense. But when you're actually in that position and circumstance, it's awfully odd.

Here's what makes it ironic. This list of qualities, and this "attraction" has created rifts with others and made me someone "not safe" to hang out with or spend time with. I know I'm not explaining this quite right, but deal with it. It has left me enviable, and to me, that's not necessarily a compliment. It is not a position I like either. The other ironic part is that in spite of these qualities, I am also so terrible an influence or so much of a danger, that one should not be able to spend time with me, let alone even hear my words. Does any of this make total sense? Probably not, I just had to get it out. Despite all these things I apparently have going for me, there is so much, and many working directly against me.

Life can be odd. Life can be ironic. Right now, it's a little bit of both.

Positive Muscle

So it's been a LONG time my friends, who have all disappeared no doubt. That's ok. The musical I was in had taken up so so so much of my time, and it's finally over. Quick update, it was fantastic and apparently I'm quite good on stage, so I'll be doing this much mroe in the future and I'll keep you updated on that. Blah blah blah. Moving on.

I was speaking with someone today, and she was telling me about how I have this ability to get a touch of positive energy and then run with it and let it drive me. This ability to use my positive muscle to grow that energy. It was just an interesting way to hear that. I know that when I get into a groove and I get things going my way, I get on a roll and it's fantastic, but I never thought of it as an ability, or something I can do with my will rather than just going with the flow. Makes me feel like I have more control over it, and that's really cool.

It all started with a weekend in Massachusetts during a very difficult time in January when I, for some reason, started fiddling around on a piano in someone's house, and ended up recording my fiddling that night. I came home and thought big, went out and bought a keyboard and decided that I would write a couple songs for my church with no experience on the piano or keyboard. I did, and I was happy, very happy with them. I said yes to auditioning for a musical, not something I would always do, but because of my new years resolution (one of them) to say yes more, I wound up making my stage debut to impressive reviews, huge compliments, and now offers to do more shows, and the prospect of actually making this a career.

It all started with a weekend in Massachusetts. That's all it took. I remained open, and wound up with that piano ditty, which just got things rolling. That's a phrase I often use, and people close to me have heard it often. I stay open. I let things come, I don't crowd my mind too often with things, I just stay open to whatever is around me, aware of things and imaginative and open minded. Perhaps you are in a funk like I was. Maybe you're just in a rut, or maybe you're just feeling held down by the everyday drudgery of routine life. I often feel that way and I know many people do. Go let yourself open, let something come to you. All it may be is a nibble, but don't overlook it; don't squash it too fast. You never know what it might become...