New Years Resolutions

So apparently my previous post wasn't all that popular since no one frigging commented on it. I'd still like to get reactions and what not on it if you can find it in your heart to do so. If not, well, you stink, that's all. Moving on!

Well, everyone seems to do it, so why don't I? Peer pressure, that's what it's about folks!

I've been thinking about this all day and kind of writing this entry in my head during the day, thinking of the resolutions I'm going to make. Not just one, oh no, many. There are going to be some changes around here. There's not really a good way to ease into them so I might as well just jump right in.

I resolve to wear the biggest fricking coat with the biggest pockets I have and stuff every single one of those damn pockets when I go to a movie, because it's almost ten freaking dollars to see a movie now and so I'm screwin em on the snacks baby. I think I officially just turned 50.
I'm going to say bless you every time someone sneezes, not just most of the time.
I'm going to say hi to people first, not wait for them to notice me.
I'm going to stop worrying so much about the fact that life looks daunting when you don't have a lot figured out about your future.
I'm going to stop feeling bad that I don't have a future planned out and start feeling good that I'll have one.
I'm going to stop thinking soooo much before I speak. I won't shoot off at the mouth, but I'm going to speak a little more freely from now on.
I'm going to stand up for what is right, not what is popular.
I'm going to be who I really am from now on, and not try to please people with who I can appear to be.
I'm going to stop worrying so much about what other people think about me, and worry how I feel about me.
I'm going to stop feeling down when I get weird looks from people when I tell them that I spend my new years at a bowling alley instead of partying it up and getting sloshed at someone's house, and then acquiescing to the fact that I have no social life. I'm proud of who I am and what I've gone through and how I've made it out of those things, and it's gonna show more.
I'm going to stand up for myself more often instead of just coping with things.
I'm going to stop swallowing so many frustrations that just eat me up and build up until I finally just snap after being on edge for days.
I'm going to tell people how I really feel more often.
I'm going to answer the question honestly when someone asks me how I'm doing, no matter who it is. I'm sick of saying "Good, you?" and then smiling even if I feel like collapsing and crying.
I'm not going to be so damn available anymore, I give myself out too much. I'm not saying I'm going to be closed off, but I want to be pursued dammit, and I want someone to really want to know something or know me rather than me really wanting them to know me and just letting stuff out.
I'm going to be more open and caring and loving to those who do pursue me and knowing me.

These resolutions so far may seem a little harsh and you may be thinking, "Watch out, the D has lost it and he's gonna be mean!" Hush now my little ones, such is not the case as you will see.

I'm going to be more loving, to everyone. Further more:
I'm going to be more loving even if they don't love me back or show it or say it or whatever, I'm going to be more loving anyway.
I'm going to make sure that my actions back up my words, rather than take away their meaning.
If I make a promise, I'm doing to do everything I can to keep it.
Though I resolve to air my frustrations out more often, I will air them out calmly and lovingly with an open mind and heart.
When I tell people how I really feel more often, it will be both bad and good feelings. If someone has hurt me, I'm going to tell them from now on. If I love someone, they are damn well going to know it.
I'm still gonna do my best to screw the theaters and their outrageous prices. Damn you theaters!
I'm going to continue to be who I am, and if there are people who have no interest in knowing that person and would rather just assume things about me, then that is their problem. I'm still me.
I'm not going to let my work define me. I won't even let my passions or interests define me, rather, they are simply a part of me. I define me, my heart defines me. My creator has defined me, I'm just looking in the dictionary to read more of that definition.
I won't be bothered by the reactions and looks I get when I tell someone about who I love. If they have an issue with it, then that is their issue, not mine. I won't let myself get down about that anymore because I know who I am, and I know how I feel, and they are no part of either.
I'm going to tip a little more, just because I know how nice a good tip feels.
I'm going to drink less. Not because I drink a lot (goodness knows I don't) but because there are healthier things to drink and because of the next reason.
I'm going to have a flat, nice stomach by summer dammit.
I'm going to do more things that scare me. I'm not talking about like, eating a spider (how'd you feel reading that Tracy?), I'm talking about going into situations that I would normally be scared to get into. Or talking to a stranger, or whatever it may be. I'm going to make myself do those.
I'm going to say YES a lot more. You read that right. I'm going to answer questions and invitations with a YES more often. It will get me into things that may make me nervous, but I will see more because of it.
I'm going to say I love you more, not because I think they'd forget, but because I do, and I want them to know that, and it feels so nice when someone tells you just because they want to. Doesn't it? You're smiling right now, I can feel it.
Last, but not least, I'm going to print this blog out and post it above my bed, so I can read it often, and keep these things in mind. I don't want to be one of those people who make a resolution and then two weeks later, it's kaput. I really want to do this, and so I'm going to make sure I don't forget.

Do you make resolutions? If you don't, then go ahead and make one at least. If you do, then, umm, well, way to go. Leave some of yours on here and share em with The D. May you have above all a safe new years. Be smart, be caring, be the ball. (don't ask)

Then, maybe then.

If I could just yell into a box,
and close the lid before it all came out again.
If I could tape the top a thousand times around,
and staple down the flaps,
then, maybe then.
And store it in the darkest room,
within this lived in house,
and never turn the light on
like it's shining on me now.
Then, my one last hope for when,
then, maybe then.
And lock the door and hide the key,
too easy to be found,
and pull it from my pocket, hold it in my hands,
when no one is around.
And though it tempts me to partake,
my heart will let it rest,
and let it slide back down into my pocket's deep recess.
So close but never opened up,
So closed but never gone,
and never let it cross my heart again,
then, maybe then.

Just wrote this tonight, please feel free to leave reactions or interpretations or whatever you'd like to leave. Goodnight all.

Christmas

Well Merry Merry Christmas to all of you out there who even read this anymore. I really don't have anything specific to talk about right now, so who knows what this post has in store for it. I would like to talk about Christmas for a minute.

What is Christmas? I know what the holiday is and why we have it and all, but what is it about? What is Christmas really about? Gifts? Fortunately not, otherwise there would be a ton of unhappy and disappointed people everywhere. Is it about the Christmas dinner, and the dessert? Of course not. Is it about going to church for the first time in months with your family and becoming religious for one of the several days in the year? Nope. You see, these are obvious questions I'm asking, and hopefully you've read them and said, "D, those are stupid questions, of COURSE it's not about any of those." If you said that or something like that, congratulations, there is still hope for you. I know that when you think about it while you read this, you understand that those questions were merely rhetorical in order for me to get a point across. Welcome to the point.

Christmas is about love. Now, coming off the heels of my love manifesto, you might automatically think that I'm talking about romantic love, between a man and a woman. Yes, that is part of love and what a wonderful part it is when both feel it and go for it, but that's not all love is; in fact, love is so much more vast than that. What I'm talking about is love for your family, for your friends, for someone special in your life, for people less fortunate than you, for people who have somehow touched your life or made you a better person by them just being who they are, this my readers, is Christmas, and it's the heart of Christmas. I'm not posing an idea here, I'm telling you, this is what it's about. It is a celebration of the birth of Christ, and the only reason that Christ entered into this world is because God loved us so much. It's the very nature of the reason for Christmas! "Well of course it is, it's about love!" You tell yourself, but do you act it? You can say that Christmas is about that and even believe it, but does it show in your actions? Does it show in the gifts you've bought or made other people? This is one of my favorite quotes:

"Words are mere sound until backed up by real action."

I love that quote. It's mine, I made it up, and I love it. I can talk to you until I'm blue in the face about Christmas being about love, and then I can go out and act completely different. Which one will you believe is true? What I said? Or what I did? That's right, what I did. You see, even if you believe in something, unless you act upon that belief or act in that belief, it is just a hollow thought. Christianity for instance. (I know, I'm going off topic, just bear with me, I'm feeling it right now.) How many people confess to be christian, and then do some of the most horrible things out there. Do we all sin? Of course we do! I do all the time, so you do. I am no better and am loved no more than anyone else, but when you say one thing and do something else, your words lose their meaning and their significance. It's so easy to say something. It's easy to promise something, swear to something, make the grandest of proclamations; politicians do it all the time. But when push comes to shove, do your actions mirror your words? Because if they don't, then your words ring hollow.

So what does Christmas mean to you? Is it really about love? Give me a thousand gifts, and although I will be happy with them, they do not fill me up. Let me give one gift to someone that lights their face up for the rest of the day, and I am a happy man. Give me gift certificates to a hundred places, and I can buy myself tons of things. But take away someone I love, and my life is lessened; my heart emptier. If you really do agree with me about the heart and nature of Christmas, then act it out, do something about it, show it! Christmas will have come and passed by the next day, and within a short amount of time, our minds will drift back into the normal routine of daily life, and that "holiday spirit" will have faded away like the snow does every winter when spring comes to visit. It doesn't mean you can't live out your normal days with that spirit though. Every day lived in love, is a day lived well. Live well my friends, live well.

Love Manifesto

Through some odd inspiration, I have gotten out of bed in the cold of my basement, and red eyed and saddened, have found a well of inspiration about love. And just like love, (you'll read about it later), this kind of inspiration doesn't just happen all the time, and so I had to run up here and write it.

Love is what makes the world go round my fellow readers. Love is the fuel of the soul, the food of the heart, and the desire of nearly every person on earth. I'm not talking about love for money, love for food, love for bowling (an admirable one though) or love for anything else, except that someone. When I say someone, I don't necessarily mean your spouse, but the person that makes you smile and run around wanting to share your heart with everyone because it's just bursting with joy. That's what love does to you, and that's why it is so powerful. It spreads through you like wildfire and then travels to the next person. Have you seen someone in love recently? I have. It's contagious. You want what they have, you want to love too and you want to be loved. Nothing in this world my friends, is more wonderful. That's right, I said it, nothing. Period. Perhaps my inner romantic has stuck it's head up a little too high, but what else gives you that feeling that love does. NOTHING!! But your chance can be so fleeting sometimes!

When you meet someone, and they are in almost every way such a perfect match for you, you grab ahold and don't let go. You can't let something like that go. Yes I know I'm still young, but I'm old enough to realize that matches such as that one, rarely come along. And if you've ever had that match, you know what I'm talking about. The one that instantly connects, that instantly understands everything that no one else could have or did. The one that makes you make sense. The one that makes your place in this world fit, when it never seemed to do that before. That's the kind of love you dream of, you write about, hell, it's midnight and I'm up here spilling my guts out about it because I couldn't lie in bed and contain it. It inspires paintings, sculptures, sacrifices of the grandest proportion (not killing sacrifices, geez), it inspires music, writing, it inspires people's souls to be better than they ever could alone. None of these has inspired this true love. People don't go to an art museum and look at a painting and fall in love with someone like that. No. They go to the concert, and because they are in love, the music just dances and flows like never before. It doesn't work the reverse my friends; love inspires, and there's no way around that.

But when love taps you on the shoulder, and that match drops into your lap, you have a decision to make, and that decision is always lurking too. Do I go for it? It seems like a simple question, and if my heart had to decide that instant, it would jump up and down yelling and screaming and waving it's hands like crazy. YES!! YES DAMMIT!! Do you realize what has been given to you? What has been dropped into your hands?? You have what is so very rare, and beautiful, and delicate and wonderful and awe inspiring, and it's yours.

Ahh, if life were that simple. Then your brain chimes in. "But what if you get hurt?" That's one of the big things, getting hurt. You jump after love and let go, and you could be in for a world of hurt, and boy does it hurt. I've jumped without a parachute a couple times, and I payed a hefty price on my heart. It has been broken, tattered, shattered, and a bunch of other bad things, but you know what? It always came back to me. And if it has been hurt excrutiatingly bad a ton of times, I wouldn't change a thing. You know why? Because that one time where that person comes along, and you jump in together, and you stick it out and make it, will be the best moment and feeling that I can't come close to describing right now. It will overshadow every time you've been hurt by a million times. Love, though inspiring and amazing, isn't easy, and shouldn't be. If it was, it wouldn't be so sought after, would it.

One of you will pull back and get scared. Maybe someone will start doubting it. Who knows. And love is scary. It makes you lose control, and we humans can't handle not being in control. It makes you different too. I'm not the same when I'm in love and when I'm out of it. I know I'm not. Think about flying. If you're in the plane on the ground, and you get in, you have a decision to make. If you are more scared of crashing then you are desiring a wonderful experience and view, then you won't take off. You'll stay on the ground with everyone else, looking up at the lucky ones who get to see the world from the air, who get the amazing views and wonderful experiences, who come back to the ground different, smiling, with understanding, perspective, all those things. And you were in the waiting room drinking coffee. I say you as the collective reader.

Love requires trust too. You don't jump in with both feet and your heart if you can't trust that person, because they hold the most valuable part of you now. But remember, you hold the most valuable part of them too. They need to trust you as much as you need to trust them, and they need you to treat their heart with love and care and concern for it as much as you need them to do it as well. That's what love is about! I've got your heart, and it is safe in my hands, and I won't do anything to harm it or do it wrong, and I would hurt myself before letting any of that happen. I would suffer before I let something happen to you. THAT'S what love is. No, I'm not saying your life should now become that person, of course not. I'm not saying you should completely kill yourself in order to make them happy or look out for them. In a perfect world, you both would be looking out for each other, and you wouldn't have to worry about your own heart. You know it's in good hands and you know theirs is too. I know I write about this and make it sound simple. In some ways, love is. And I think it's in more ways than not. Love is only complicated when we make it complicated. Love in itself is simple, until we start thinking about it and worrying about it or ourselves, or analyzing it and projecting it and all this other stuff.

Maybe I'm too optimistic or too much of a hopeFUL romantic, but to me, if someone that you've been searching for and dreaming about, just falls into your lap, and they have been wanting someone just like you, then you go after it with reckless abandon. You throw caution to the wind and say "let's just see" and with wide eyes, full hearts, eager anticipation and joy, you go together, in love.

Hmm, interesting...

I find myself in an odd predicament here at The D headquarters. Well, mainly my first one was how to spell predicament, but I think I got it right. Now I can move on. I started this blog quite a while ago and it had a purpose. I was going to explore issues and relevant things, and I was hoping to get enough response, that those issues would mainy come from my readers. One slight problem with that. Apparantly you need readers before they can comment. And once I got those readers, they wanted me to just talk instead of posing their own questions. So, See The D essentially changed its focus. Now I explore things from my own life, and have for a while. I've gone into relationships, why guys are jerks, why girls are crazy, perspective in life, etc. etc. In doing so, I have exposed too much of myself. When I first started, I sent this site to several people I know because I wanted them to chime in on things they wanted to talk about. Oops. Now I have people I know reading all about me, and I have to watch what I type here because I don't necessarily want people who know me to know some of these things. See The D has become, See part of The D. I'm like a 25 cent peep show, except I wish I got more than that and I'm not taking clothes off. I'm just peeling away layers of my protection and giving you a look inside as to what I think sometimes and what I'm like away from everyone else.

Writing is the place I come to when I need to get thoughts out. This was my venting area, and I released a lot of deep thoughts and made some pretty heavy posts. My instinct tells me to do that now. You see, life has given The D a good ol' stomach punch without telling him. (Yes, him.) It just wheeled back and let one rip right into my stomach as I was happily gazing upon life and thinking to myself, "Hey, isn't life swell?" To you dear blog, I should tell my thoughts, but exposing and revealing that much about myself isn't something I can do whilst people I know read this. Heck, if someone out there knew my most personal thoughts, why do I care, they don't know who I am. But reveal yourself in an intimate way and then go see that person face to face within a couple days, and see how comfortable you are.

I can simply write out my frustration. Lemme rephrase, I can write out my frustration about not being able to write on here like I would want to. My frustration and myriad of other emotions are way too big for a simple blog. These words cannot come close to containing what is bursting inside and going in a hundred different directions to the point that my mood changes almost by the hour. But oh well, if you have a quarter, you can still See some of The D. (Just nothing below the belt)

I need a punching bag...