Quick Note

The D will not be writing for a while, maybe a week or two. Sorry for the absence. In the mean time, I could really use your prayers, and sometime in the near future, I'll be back and writing.

Worth

This is what happens in the wee hours of the night when I can't sleep. My mind decides that it's time to ponder and figure out the unanswerable, and then I end up writing about it on here for all of you to join in and read. Stupid mind...

According to Webster, worth is: 1. Monetary value. 2. The value of something measured by its qualities.

Go ask any businessman or economist and they will tell you that somethings worth is determined by market fluctuations, supply & demand, and most importantly, how much someone is willing to pay for this particular thing.

Put the two together and you get this:

Worth is the value of something measured by its qualities, and either validated or invalidated by the amount someone is willing to pay for it; how much someone is willing to give up or do for it. According to The D, that's what worth is. Now, I didn't get up out of my nice warm bed this late at night to share my theory of worth on items and goods bought, oh no, this time of night calls for much more philosophical queries. I am trying to figure out how to measure my own worth as a person, as The D.

Let's start with the source of all things; God. How can I determine what I am worth to him, using what I said before. This one is an easy one though.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son..." - You know the rest, and if you don't, go get a Bible and look up John 3:16 and get back to me.

He was willing to give up his son for us. In order to "pay" for us, in order to show how much he loved us, he gave up his only son. Now, notice how he didn't say "I'm going to give you my only son," and then when push came to shove so to speak, he retracted and said "Whoa, no that's a little too much, how about one of the angels instead?"

With God, it is easy to know what our worth to him is, he plainly said it and showed it. It's easy to know where we stand with him because he doesn't hide himself from us, he is always in pursuit of our hearts, our minds, and our lives. But what about other people?

We all, myself included, measure our worth by other people and consider it more important and more accurate than our worth to God. How foolish. I have done that too much over the past while, and it has left me very very confused, and honestly, feeling like I'm really not worth all that much. Yes, I know, pity party for The D, but that's not what I'm going for. This is See The D, and so every now and then, you get to see and hear me speak from the heart, and the heart you hear right now is searching for answers.

And individual worth is not determined by how much someone says you are worth, or by how much they say they will give up or do or whatever for you, but how much they actually do give up for you. There's a big difference there. Think about what would happen at an auction if someone bid thousands of dollars for a painting, and then when it came time for them to pay, they decided they only wanted to give 500 bucks for it. Words come so easily from the lips, and I know I've said this on this blog like twenty times, but there's a reason it's my favorite quote.
"Words are mere sound until backed up by real action."

If we measured or determined our worth based heavily upon how other people treat us or give up for us or do for us, then we will at times all feel pretty damn worthless. We've all been there, it's just how it is sometimes. And I'm not talking about the Starbucks guy who takes your order and gives you coffee with a smile, I'm talking about the people that we love and those who are closest to us and who know us, at least to a certain extent. And when I talk about measuring worth by what people do or give up for us, I don't want to be confused. I'm not talking about what someone is willing to buy you for Christmas necessarily. Let me give you a good story:

One day at the supermarket, my mom and I were finishing the weekly shopping. Getting to the checkout line, the cashier rang up our small load of groceries and then my mother handed her the only cash we had. Not the only cash she happened to have on her, but the only cash we had as a family, and not because we just didn't go to the bank that morning. The cashier took the bills from my mom and handed her back the change. We left and went on our way. The next day, I had something going on at school and I needed a few bucks for it. Amazingly enough, the change from the supermarket was exactly the amount I needed, and it was also the only money we had.

This is the moment. This is the point where your worth is shown, be it great or small. This is that moment when someone decides purposely or not, "How much is it worth to me?"

My mother gave me the change from the supermarket; the only money we had at that point. I wouldn't know that until many years later, but now I do, and it showed me what I was worth to my mother. I wasn't worth four dollars and some odd cents, I was worth everything she had. I was worth that risk of not having any cash, that risk of stepping out on a shaky and thin limb. It would have been easy for her to call up the teacher and work things out so we didn't have to pay, but she didn't take the easy way out. Thank you mom.

My friends, our worth as one "amount" can never be determined. Our worth is different to everyone around us. To our boss, it is most likely a monetary value above anything else. To our significant other, it is measured in heart, in care, concern, in the little everyday things that make every day. Yes, your worth is partially determined by those around you and those you let close to you. For your sake, I hope you are surrounded by at least a few people who show you where you stand; who show you what you are worth. For your sake, I hope it is a lot. Please remember this though, they are not the only ones who determine it, you do too. Value yourself, know what you are worth and what you deserve. Be confident in that, but not demanding and over-valued. And if like me, you find yourself struggling to see your worth, then go to God. Go to him anyway, you will always know your worth to him, and it will always be great. Always.

Our House

While typing to a certain someone online, I heard a news report from the TV room about Lindsay Lohan's confession of drugs and bulemia in the latest Vanity Fair magazine. I have heard so much coverage of this stupid interview today that it's, well, stupid. Over and over I read and heard about this shockingly candid interview where this "star" actually told the truth instead of dodging a question or an issue, or having her publicist get back to the magazine with a standard "no comment". Holy crap! Stop the presses! Oh wait, you already did. What's shocking about this interview is not the things she admitted. She admitted drug use and bulemia and I think those were the two big things. C'mon, raise your hand if you didn't figure those out. That's what I thought, no hands. What's "shocking" about it is the fact that a "star", or anyone in the public eye for that matter, was actually honest about something and actually admitted something. You know the saddest part about that? It really is shocking. How surprised are we when someone famous actually tells the truth about an issue that's not "good for their image", even if the general public has already figured it out. We are very surprised by that! Granted, these "celebrities" do have a right to privacy, and so don't necessarily need to divulge personal information like Miss Lohan has recently. I applaud her honesty and openness, good for you. Perhaps if you had done it earlier, you could have saved yourself some pain and problems. But good for you. This however, brings me to a few other points. Shall we?

Image my friends, that's what it's all about, image. It's what sells soda, huge necklaces with "bling", cars, anything really. It's why we buy the same clothes celebrities are wearing for this week, because of the image. It's why we buy the same shoes a certain NBA player wears. In this country, image is almost more important than anything else. Even in our own personal non-celebrity lives, our image is so important to us. I see it all too often where I now live, here in the hamptons, in the image conscious and image driven society that runs rampant out here in nearly everyone. There are so many stories of people breaking inside and having such turmoil within themselves and between others, yet putting on the good face when anyone is around and pretending that all is well. Again, with the celebrities, everyone has a right to privacy and you don't need to air dirty laundry or unload your problems on everyone that you talk to. But heaven forbid we should let our exterior reflect our inside around those we trust or love. Heaven forbid we let anything show other than "everything is good, I'm fine." As part of my resolutions, I'm going to actually answer the question "how are you?" when someone asks. You know what, if I'm doing crappy, that's what I'm going to say. I very well may not elaborate on it with that particular person, but I'll be honest.

What good is a false yet "positive" exterior when your interior is crumbling and falling apart? No good at all. It's kind of like a house. The outside can be newly painted, the windows clean, the lawn trimmed and flower garden blooming, but on the inside, the walls are rotting, the floor bare and dusty and scraped, and the stairs leading to other rooms, falling apart. Anyone who walks by will admire your house. "What a lovely home" they will say. Fantastic for them, but they don't have to live there, you do. You have to live with yourself, not someone else. If you're outside is all neat and trimmed and looking nice and everything just seems grand, well let's hope that the inside reflects it, because you have to go in eventually my friends, you can't escape that. You can't escape yourself, no matter how good your "good face" is, and no matter how much you try and push everything down in order to avoid dealing with it for the time being. Am I saying that you should let your outside go to crap and just worry about your inside? Not at all! But if your inside is good, then your outside will reflect that, and you really won't have to worry about your outside. C'mon, how many times have you been joyous and happy and had a frown on? I thought so. But how many times have you been down and sad, and tried to put a smile on for the whole world to see? I thought so.

Every so often, we have spring cleaning. Well, every spring actually. Sometimes we need that for ourselves. Sometimes it's been so long since we've really taken a good look at ourselves and looked around our own "house" that we often don't see what kind of shape it's in. Often we find that there needs to be a bunch of things fixed, repaired, cleaned, and gone through. That's a good thing though! Go through yourself, see things that need to be fixed and repaired and brought out in the open, even make notes of them. But when you are spring cleaning in your house, do you make a note that all the windows really need to be cleaned, write it down, and then go back and watch tv? No, what would be the point of finding out what needs work? You go get some Windex and clean the damn windows! You go get the vaccuum and clean under the rug and behind the couch. Likewise, we need to do that with ourselves. It's one thing to make mental or physical notes about what needs fixing, and work, etc. It's another to tackle those and get them taken care of. What a beautiful thing it is to struggle with your issues and problems only to come out the other side at peace, looking back on your fight with pride and confidence. What a beautiful thing indeed!

Remember when you were a kid, and you wanted to go out and play outside with your friends, but your room was a mess and your mom or dad would say "only after your room is cleaned!" Yeah, I've been there a bunch of times because I had and still have the messiest room in existence (no one who has seen it will argue that point, believe me). So you start right away, cleaning frantically, throwing things in the closet, shoving a few things under the bed, and getting things cleaned so you can run out and enjoy life. After what feels like an hour gone by, you stand back to admire your handiwork, and the room barely looks different than when you started. You stand there confused, and now frustrated by the lack of change. You sigh, and get back to work, not excited to get outside, but annoyed that this is going to take forever. Ahh the metaphor of youthful experiences.
We've all been there, and it relates to cleaning our own houses. We've finally taken a look around, a real good hard look around, and made notes about what we're going to fix or whatever. You want to get out there and enjoy life, but there's this little problem inside that is keeping you from TRULY enjoying life, not just acting like it. Go back to being a kid cleaning your room and being frustrated at the monumental job ahead of you. Now think about how much easier it would have been if someone was there to help you. Yeah, go ahead and smile, it would have been a hell of a lot easier. And they wouldn't have really had to clean, you could have just told them where things go. Heck, they wouldn't even have to help. Think about how much easier it would have been if you had someone to talk with while you cleaned, someone to joke with and relate with. The task remains the same, but the job becomes bearable. Believe me, that person has a house of their own, and things that need fixing. They can relate to you. Maybe they've even invited you in to help them out. Yes, there are things that may be easier to deal with on our own, and things that feel like no one else would understand. There are going to be things that make us feel like if we tell someone, everything will fall apart. Perhaps we don't even know what would happen if we invited someone in to help or just be there, and that fear of the unknown consequence would keep our doors locked and shades drawn. Keep everyone admiring the outside, just don't let them see in.

The D has a house my friends. Figuratively speaking, I don't actually own a house. All you gold diggers can wipe the drool off now. :-) I'll speak candidly, just like our inspirational friend Miss Lohan. No I don't have bulemia and don't do drugs. My house for the most part, is in pretty decent shape, inside and out. I spend quite a bit of time looking at myself and figuring things out, and so I spend a fair amount of time cleaning, and fixing, and revealing. While rewarding in the end, it can be very painful at times. But friends, there are areas of the house that are in disarray right now; complete and utter messes that I start to clean and feel like I have gotten nowhere. There is confusion that is utterly rampant in certain rooms; frustration that is burrowing in to certain walls; and fear and worry that hide themselves in shadows. I don't mind admitting it, and to a certain few, I don't mind sharing it. To a certain one, I didn't mind opening those doors and letting them see that dark corner, what's behind the couch, and what's in this closet that hasn't been opened in many years. There are still things to fix, still things to repair and clean, things to untangle, and though the task seems daunting at times, it is I who lives in my "house". It is I who must sleep here and live here. I choose to tackle them head on and let the outside reflect what the inside is like. Do I want help? Of course. I don't feel I am weak by asking for help; I feel wise by realizing that I can't always do it on my own. And soon, when things start to get worked out and finished, I'll run to the front door and go out and enjoy life in front of my nice looking house. I will be happy from the inside out, not just happy in disguise. What will you choose?